Sigh. It's another Monday morning and I feel dreadful. Kind of because it was not the best weekend, partly because it's Monday and I'm back to work (here. :| ) and partly because it's a gloomy day and I just found out that Brittany Murphy passed away at the age of 32... of natural causes.
I'm turning 29 in a few days and that's scary as all hell. It makes me wonder what life has in store for me. Sometimes I feel like I'll live to be 200 years old and sometimes I feel like it's my last day around. The inconsistency of life never ceases to astound me. You never know who's next or when they'll go. If today is my last day, I'd like to be living it up, not sitting in an office working. But then again, who does?
When I was an eager pup of 17, I had determined that I would live my life everyday like it was my last. I'm sure everyone makes these declarations when they're young and naive. But how many people actually live it. I know a few do. They make sure everyday is a celebration of some sort. Of love, happiness, something. And there's me. I'm in a rut that I desperately want out of.
I think I've fallen into this ever since I moved back to India. I've never really felt quite at home here and I always felt that if I move away, life will be great again. But how much of this is just wishful thinking and reminiscing of glory days. What's to say that if I lived anywhere, my life would be any different from how it is today. Just a different office, a different setting but the same routine.
My greatest fear is that I will never find what it is that makes me truly happy. Whether it's the job, a place, I don't know. And I keep waiting for stuff to happen to me. I know this is a coward's way out but I don't know what I need to do to find some peace of mind and some fulfillment.
I really hate feeling the way I am right now. I really wish I could up and leave and damn the consequences but unfortunately, I cannot.
I have always promised myself that I would be fearless and never be poor. I mean, monetarily. Towards that end, I'm making headway but what about everything else. Am I willing to sacrifice the rest of life in pursuit of money? But at the same time, I can't go out and do what makes me happy because I have no clue what it is that will make me happy.
I sound like a mess and I kind of feel that way too.
I keep wondering to myself sometimes if I'm a workaholic. And the truth of the matter is, I don't know. A "workaholic" is defined as: A person who feels compelled to work excessively. Do I feel compelled? I don't know. I'm not compelled but at the same time, I'm definitely not a slacker.
I have this habit where, every birthday, I find a few moments to myself and I talk to myself. Some might call me "crazy" or "schizophrenic" to whom I say, we are not. But in this conversation with myself, I try to look back and talk to me a year ago and again with me a year in the future. To my past self, I give him a brief of what the past year was like, the highs, the lows and the in-betweens. To my future self, I ask the same questions I've just answered. How will my next year be? Will I achieve what I wanted or will everything turn completely on its head and have me heading in a completely new direction (as has happened a million times before). And I try to see if I'm happy with the direction I'm heading in. And it's a tough call.
I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be when I was 28. Due to some tomfoolery in my teens, I changed course several times in the past decade, each one more bewildering than the last. I'm not a person who has everything laid out and planned years in advance. I have found that such planning is nothing but a monumental waste of time because nothing and I do mean nothing, ever happens the way you intend it to. So, I smile and try and take it a day at a time and hope that wherever I end up, I'm content.
I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be when I was 28. Due to some tomfoolery in my teens, I changed course several times in the past decade, each one more bewildering than the last. I'm not a person who has everything laid out and planned years in advance. I have found that such planning is nothing but a monumental waste of time because nothing and I do mean nothing, ever happens the way you intend it to. So, I smile and try and take it a day at a time and hope that wherever I end up, I'm content.
But that brings me back to my initial question about being a workaholic. The reason I ask is because nowadays, I find myself working insane hours. 14 hour days are commonplace and working weekends is not unusual. I do enjoy working hard because I need to make up for lost time. Due to said foolishness, I've lost a bit of time goofing around instead of being productive. And I don't regret too many things because regret, like planning, is a waste of time. I, however, do intend to reach my goals in the same time-frame that I'd set for myself. So, I work hard, cut myself very little slack and put my head down and just go for it. And I'm not doing too badly. In December 2006, I started working (really working) as an entry-level editor, got promoted within 6 months and have gotten myself a considerably higher position (Project Manager &Business Development Manager) with good pay, today. And I don't plan on stopping now, either. I'm ambitious and not ashamed of it. I do plan to drive hard and fast to reach the stars, literally. (One of my dreams was to be an astronaut. Being bespectacled, the only way I can achieve that now is if I buy my way into space)
But in the process, I've got a very dull, boring life. And I'm not a dull, boring person. I was super-adventurous and spontaneous and a million other things that I've forgotten now. And I don't want to. I want to grab life by the horns again and do the stuff that truly made me happy. Traveling, Outdoorsy-stuff, going places just for the heck of it, that kinds of stuff.
I want to be able to enjoy life while making the headway that I want to, professionally. That's a difficult balance to strike but I need to learn how to do it. The problem is, I don't want to compromise on either so I guess I'll need to figure it out.
Something I found on another blog, that I thought was super apt. :)
But in the process, I've got a very dull, boring life. And I'm not a dull, boring person. I was super-adventurous and spontaneous and a million other things that I've forgotten now. And I don't want to. I want to grab life by the horns again and do the stuff that truly made me happy. Traveling, Outdoorsy-stuff, going places just for the heck of it, that kinds of stuff.
I want to be able to enjoy life while making the headway that I want to, professionally. That's a difficult balance to strike but I need to learn how to do it. The problem is, I don't want to compromise on either so I guess I'll need to figure it out.
Something I found on another blog, that I thought was super apt. :)
Top 10 Signs you're a workaholic
Ten: You don’t understand what people are saying on the phone, because you’re zoned into a screen where you have 10 windows open that you have to either, revise, proof read, or reformat into a 16 column table and email to someone in the next 3 minutes.
Eight : You tell your husband/wife, you’ll be home in 10 minutes, for lunch but hours later, you’re still knee-deep in work and you’re no where near packing up…to go have dinner.
Seven: The guy who empties the trash cans at the end of each day, has to wheel you and your chair aside to get to it, because after seven ‘excuse me’s’ you still had no idea how he snuck up on you. He then asks you to lock up on your way out.
Six: You email your colleagues little to-do notes, reminders and annoying task-like assignments, atmidnight , instead of going to sleep and telling them tomorrow--in person.
Five: You feel guilty when you’re sick, on vacation, or dying.
Four: You dream that you’re being chased by members of senior management holding papers in their hands, and questioning your loyalty to your job. You hide in a milk box.
Three: Your boss shoo’s you out of the office on his/her way out.
Two: When you go home you talk about work, your colleagues, how you have so much to do tomorrow while your spouse silently slips into a coma. You don’t notice.
And the number One reason is…
One: You don’t have time to blog, but when you do, you’re so tired that all you can come up with is this lame top-ten crap. You find the typing keyboard sounds soothing.
Eight : You tell your husband/wife, you’ll be home in 10 minutes, for lunch but hours later, you’re still knee-deep in work and you’re no where near packing up…to go have dinner.
Seven: The guy who empties the trash cans at the end of each day, has to wheel you and your chair aside to get to it, because after seven ‘excuse me’s’ you still had no idea how he snuck up on you. He then asks you to lock up on your way out.
Six: You email your colleagues little to-do notes, reminders and annoying task-like assignments, at
Five: You feel guilty when you’re sick, on vacation, or dying.
Four: You dream that you’re being chased by members of senior management holding papers in their hands, and questioning your loyalty to your job. You hide in a milk box.
Three: Your boss shoo’s you out of the office on his/her way out.
Two: When you go home you talk about work, your colleagues, how you have so much to do tomorrow while your spouse silently slips into a coma. You don’t notice
One: You don’t have time to blog, but when you do, you’re so tired that all you can come up with is this lame top-ten crap. You find the typing keyboard sounds soothing.
Blogs I like
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On Art10 years ago
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V Madhavan Nair (1945-2025)8 months ago
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Dear Life by Alice Munro12 years ago
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