Sigh. It's another Monday morning and I feel dreadful. Kind of because it was not the best weekend, partly because it's Monday and I'm back to work (here. :| ) and partly because it's a gloomy day and I just found out that Brittany Murphy passed away at the age of 32... of natural causes. 

I'm turning 29 in a few days and that's scary as all hell. It makes me wonder what life has in store for me. Sometimes I feel like I'll live to be 200 years old and sometimes I feel like it's my last day around. The inconsistency of life never ceases to astound me. You never know who's next or when they'll go. If today is my last day, I'd like to be living it up, not sitting in an office working. But then again, who does? 

When I was an eager pup of 17, I had determined that I would live my life everyday like it was my last. I'm sure everyone makes these declarations when they're young and naive. But how many people actually live it. I know a few do. They make sure everyday is a celebration of some sort. Of love, happiness, something. And there's me. I'm in a rut that I desperately want out of. 

I think I've fallen into this ever since I moved back to India. I've never really felt quite at home here and I always felt that if I move away, life will be great again. But how much of this is just wishful thinking and reminiscing of glory days. What's to say that if I lived anywhere, my life would be any different from how it is today. Just a different office, a different setting but the same routine. 

My greatest fear is that I will never find what it is that makes me truly happy. Whether it's the job, a place, I don't know. And I keep waiting for stuff to happen to me. I know this is a coward's way out but I don't know what I need to do to find some peace of mind and some fulfillment. 

I really hate feeling the way I am right now. I really wish I could up and leave and damn the consequences but unfortunately, I cannot. 

I have always promised myself that I would be fearless and never be poor. I mean, monetarily. Towards that end, I'm making headway but what about everything else. Am I willing to sacrifice the rest of life in pursuit of money? But at the same time, I can't go out and do what makes me happy because I have no clue what it is that will make me happy. 

I sound like a mess and I kind of feel that way too.