I honestly feel like I’ve got a combination of the pneumonic, bubonic, baboonic and a couple of other variants of the plague. My nose and throat have taken turns the past few days making me feel like shit. No sooner do I spend a couple of hundred bucks buying medicines for one type of irritation with either of them, they switch and then change the root of the issue. For instance, I started with an itchy nose with the sniffles. The logical buy would be an anti-allergic antihistamine with an inhaler. A few minutes after said purchase, my throat decides to turn into sandpaper making every breath and swallow seem like nails on a chalkboard. I buy a throat irritant soother and I’m gulping it like it’s going out of style. Then my nose tries to see if my tissue can compete with the Lady of the Mist and does a Niagra. I, of course, am no “wet behind the ears” run of the mill pill-popper. I respond immediately with decongestants. What’s the next course of action? I get ready to audition for the part of the third Tuberculosis patient from the left in some B-grade Middle Ages movie or of course, one of my favorite movies, Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail.
The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.
[a man puts a body on the cart]
Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one.
The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: What? Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not.
The Dead Collector: He isn't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don't be such a baby.
The Dead Collector: I can't take him. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel fine.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.
The Dead Collector: I can't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
The Dead Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when's your next round?
The Dead Collector: Thursday.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I think I'll go for a walk.
Large Man with Dead Body: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel happy. I feel happy. [the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.
The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Large Man with Dead Body: Right.
It doesn't help that i'm like a friggin' baby when I'm sick. I am now on Antibiotics, Antihistamines, Decongestants, AuntiPetunia, Lozenges, Cough Syrups, Antipyretics, Analgesics and an entire experimental drug line from Pfizer.
I need TLC.
"You can buy your hair if it won't grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make-up that mac can make
But if you can't look inside you
Find out who am i, too
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty"
Oh, yeah, some tender lovin care wouldn't go astray either. :| I'm rambling. I'm off for my enema. Too much info? I think so.
